feelings! u kno
feelings! u kno
i got into grad school! like a week ago! i’ve been too caught up to realize that that’s a thing i’ve been working towards like even before i graduated and too worried that i like misread the email or got it on accident but i’m gonna go back to school and i’m really excited about it.
i had a cute n nice talk with another light skinned black boy at my job today about growin up mixed and our white moms and not super knowin our black dads or their families and being excited about blackness being a part of our history but also shy to claim a thing that a mixed up love made distant from us! parents who try to squash a thing in their kids cause they want that kid to have an easier time in the world are doin a hard thing but they are doing that hard thing wrong i think. anyway he was wearing a fitted backwards and loves his brothers as much as i love my sisters and it was so nice to talk to him.
"Burn it down and live inside it"
- Intergenerational Relationships/Interactions: I’ve observed and experienced a lot of older queer folks attempting to fuck a younger member of the community under the guise of mentorship. It’s fucking abusive and disgusting, and I think we need to work, as a community, to hold those people accountable.
- The lack of healthy queer relationship resources. We have no examples of healthy queer relationships, and I think that a lot of queer couples regurgitate the heteropatriarchy because that’s what we’re fed - and it’s not us. I think trying to navigate the manifestations of heteropatriarchy in queer relationships is so daunting that we never have community conversations about it and drag it into the light for everyone to confront - leaving queer survivors of intimate partner violence to go at it alone. For queer abusers, I think there’s a huge potential for re-education about healthy relationship ways and we should find some ways to do that.
- Intra-POC bullshit. The anti-blackness, the appropriation of black culture by non-black queers, the appropriation of various brown cultures by non-indentifed folks, light skinned folks not taking into account the fucking space we take up, the invalidation of immigrant queers. It’s the small end of the wedge that is just going to grow unless we sit down and address this shit together. I want to say “people of color” and not have any shitty feelings about how that term doesn’t even remotely approach the divisions between our separate communities.
- Masculine-of-center queers who are held up as the face of the queer community. /gag. WHY IS FEMME PRESENTATION ONLY REVOLUTIONARY WHEN MASC FOLKS DECIDE THEY WANT TO PUT ON LIPSTICK AND SOME GLITTER FOR THE NIGHT AND LIKE A TUTU OR SOME SHIT. TELL ME WHY. I do this shit every day, but it’s considered decidedly not-queer because I’m femme presenting most days. Unless I’m with a masc person, my femme presentation renders me invisible in queer community. Arm candy for queer masc person = visibility. My queerness is contingent upon masc folks I surround myself with and THIS IS LITERALLY NEVER OKAY
all of this!!!
I wanna go on a long bikeride i wanna be a model i wanna blow up a a small building i want a few things
"Suppose identity is prepositional: You live outside/inside of a prison; outside/inside of a national border; outside/inside of a battlefield; outside/inside of educational, health-care, or economic systems; under/over the table; beyond/within reach of help. Recall Julia Kristeva’s articulation of the crucial role of abjection: Whoever is not abject is negatively defined by whoever is. When am I me only because I am not you? Self is an unstable infrastructure and a mutable currency. Syntax describes cultural values. Syntax is a social arrangement."
we took that lipstick pic right before tryin to go play sports, and when we got to the park there was still like a foot of snow over all the grass, and i got pretty sad that i couldn’t play soccer or frisbee that day. and i was confused about why i felt like that, but i did my astrological chart today and it said i was a scorpio rising and a sagittarius sun which means i’m kinda shy, easily hurt, hard to understand, and tend to fixate on stuff and also that running around is super important to me, which is all true facts that made a lot of sense.
updates from work:
"The timidest kind of person was Anthony Burns, always scuttling from one kind of protection to another but none of them ever being durable enough to suit him.
Now at the age of thirty, by virtue of so much protection, he still had in his face and body the unformed look of a child and he moved like a child in the presence of critical elders. In every move of his body and every inflection of speech and cast of expression there was a timid apology going out to the world for the little space that he had been somehow elected to occupy in it."
hotpinkchaos ordered wine to be delivered to my house :(